The Legend of EUtopia
by Hippopotamousse
Tired of struggling to survive on the barren plains of Desolatia, Primeiro asked all his relatives and friends where he might go to find a better life.
“A few years ago, your second cousin’s aunt’s hairdresser’s brother-in-law went to live in EUtopia. Everyone says his life there is pretty great,” came the reply.
“How do I visit this EUtopia everyone is talking about?” Primeiro asked.
“You must enter through the Golden Cave,” came the reply.
So Primeiro, on his horse Hora, drove his flock of sheep toward the Golden Cave for 40 days and nights. Finally, when the cave was almost in sight, he came upon the town of Nomadsdorf, and stopped at the tavern for a pint of ale.
“Headed to the Golden Cave?” asked the barkeep.
“Isn’t everyone?” Primeiro replied.
“Word of advice,” the barkeep answered wryly, “beware of the Cavekeeper. He can be tricky.”
Having already journeyed this far, and having previously met many tricksters on the plains of Desolatia, Primeiro was defiant. He wouldn’t let anyone stop him from reaching EUtopia.
The next morning, Primeiro, his horse Hora, and his flock of sheep reached the cave entrance to find a table, beside which lied a stone carving that read:
"GOLDEN CAVE (EUTOPIA ENTRANCE)
ENTRANCE FEE: ONE HORSE
CAVE RULES:
- EACH ENTRANT MUST BRING 5 SHEEP INTO CAVE.
- EACH SHEEP MUST WEAR A GOLDEN COLLAR.
ALL SALES FINAL. NO REFUNDS."
As Primeiro was puzzling over the sign, the Cavekeeper presented with a wide smile. “Welcome to the Golden Cave, the grand entrance to EUtopia!”
“I have come to enter the Golden Cave, but I don’t have any golden collars for my sheep,” Primeiro worried aloud.
“No problem, I can sell them to you at a price of three sheep for one collar,” offered the Cavekeeper.
Fortunately, Primeiro had brought twenty sheep in his herd. Still, he hesitated. “Why is the entrance to EUtopia a cave? Is EUtopia itself in a cave?” he questioned.
“The door to EUtopia will unlock for you after five confirmed nights in the cave,” answered the Cavekeeper.
Having journed for forty days and nights already, five more didn’t sound so bad to Primeiro, so he exchanged fifteen of his sheep for golden collars, and surrendered Hora the horse to the Cavekeeper, who unlocked the cave door and ushered Primeiro into the cave with his remaining five sheep. Yes, the Cavekeeper might be a tricky guy for some, but the business transaction with him had been smooth, so Primeiro felt no reason for concern.
With an “Enjoy your stay!” the Cavekeeper bid him a cheerful goodbye, swiftly exited, and locked the door.
Primeiro surveyed the inside of the cave. The main room was huge – at least 10 great cathedrals. Inside were ample supplies of flour, grain for his sheep, and firewood. Light streamed in through a small opening at the top of the dome, slowly fading with the day. Exhausted from the journey, and now finally having a place to rest, he fell fast asleep after eating his bread and drinking his ale.
He awoke at first light, found his flock in order, and spent the day tending the sheep, feeding the fire, reading, eating, and drinking. The next two days passed similarly. Finally, on the third day, Primeiro wondered, “what did the Gatekeeper mean by ‘confirmed’ days in the Golden Cave?”
Primeiro walked back to the cave entrance and knocked on the door. Nothing happened. He knocked some more. Still nothing. He banged on the door with his fists. Finally, the Cavekeeper’s face appeared through a small window drawn open at the top of the gate, behind iron bars.
“What is it?” the Cavekeeper questioned annoyedly.
“What did you mean by ‘five confirmed days’? How do I get confirmed?” asked Primeiro.
“The Caima will confirm your presence,” answered the Gatekeeper.
“What in God’s name is ‘the Caima’?” Primeiro inquired.
“You will see,” the Cavekeeper hinted gruffly, and slid the viewing window shut.
Primeiro did not wish to further annoy the Cavekeeper, so he walked back to his camp, fed his sheep, tended the fire, and passed the time as before. He drank an extra bottle of ale to soothe his nerves.
The next morning, Primeiro awoke slowly, then hastily. One of his sheep was missing! From his vantage point in the great room of the cave, only his remaining four sheep were visible. He frantically searched the other cave passages until he came upon a long, dark corridor.
As he proceeded into the corridor, the sound of grunts, growls, and ripping flesh grew louder and louder. Primeiro swallowed his fear, and tiptoed quietly to the end of the corridor. He finally summoned the courage to shine his torch around the corner, only to find a gigantic beast covered in dark fur devouring the remains of his sheep, its golden collar glinting in the torch light.
Suddenly, the beast raised its head, looked at Primeiro, and roared with a terrible force that echoed off the cave walls and into Primeiro’s temples. Primeiro jumped with fright, and fled back to his corner of the cave hall.
“What to do? What to do?” Primeiro pondered. He landed on a solution. He gathered all the firewood, cut it carefully with his axe, and assembled it into a fence around himself and his sheep. Finally, the fence was up, and Primeiro passed out from exhaustion.
The next morning, he woke up, and another sheep was missing. Primeiro’s fence had a gaping hole. The wood from the fence had been smashed into small pieces and scattered around the cave.
“What to do? What to do?” Primeiro again pondered. He landed on another solution. This time, he spent all day gathering rocks from all over the cave, and piled them at the corridor opening to stop the beast from entering the main room. Finally, the corridor was plugged, and Primeiro again passed out from exhaustion.
The next morning, he woke up, and another sheep was missing. Primeiro’s rock pile had been demolished. Primeiro fell into despair until he suddenly remembered that today was his sixth day in the cave. He ran back to the door and pounded again until the Cavekeeper opened the view slot.
“Today is my sixth day in the cave. I spent five nights here. Let me into EUtopia!” Primeiro demanded.
“You have only spent three confirmed nights in the cave,” the Cavekeeper answered indifferently. “You must complete your time in the cave first.”
Before Primeiro could finish uttering “What are you talking about?!” the Cavekeeper closed the view slot and disappeared.
Now Primeiro had only two sheep, nobody to talk to, and all he could think was that he shouldn’t have trusted the Cavekeeper! Did EUtopia even exist, or was this all a scam? Was it even worth trying to protect the sheep? The beast was just too powerful!
Another night passed, another sheep disappeared, and Primeiro ran back to bang on the cave door again until the Cavekeeper appeared. “What is going on?! What is this place?!?!” Primeiro demanded to know.
“You have spent four confirmed nights in the cave,” the Cavekeeper replied, and closed the view slot.
Primeiro began to suspect that the number of sheep taken was connected to the number of “confirmed nights”, which gave him an idea. Using a small, sharp stone, he carved a star shape into the final sheep’s collar. Now if he ever saw the collar again, he would know who took it.
Night fell, and the last sheep was taken. Primeiro woke up alone. He ran and pounded on the cave door.
The Cavekeeper slid open the slot. “You have spent five confirmed nights in the cave,” he declared.
“Great, so I can enter EUtopia now, right?” Primeiro’s eyes shone with anticipation.
“No,” declared the Cavekeeper coldly. “The requirement to enter EUtopia is ten confirmed nights in the Golden Cave.”
“But before I entered, you I could enter EUtopia after spending five nights in the cave!!” Primeiro returned angrily.
“I never said that. The rule is ten nights. Take it or leave it.”
Facing the prospect of the next night in the cave with the beast, alone with no sheep to sacrifice, Primeiro did the only rational thing. “Let me out,” he declared.
The Cavekeeper unlocked the door. Primeiro stepped outside, only to discover a line of strangers and their livestock as far as he could see, waiting to enter the cave. Primeiro followed the Cavekeeper back to his table, upon which he found the golden collar into which he had carved the star.
“That’s my golden collar!” Primeiro bellowed.
The Cavekeeper pointed to the sign stating “ALL SALES FINAL. NO REFUNDS”. Thereabove, Primeiro noticed the sign now read ‘EACH ENTRANT MUST BRING 10 SHEEP INTO CAVE’".
“You stole my collar! You can’t do this!” Primeiro stomped over to the table and shouted. Now everyone in line was looking at him.
The Cavekeeper clapped his hands twice. Two of the largest men Primeiro had ever seen stepped out of a hut behind the table, their faces stern, hands holding swords and shields.
Primeiro knew he was no match for these giants in a fight, so he ran, shouting “You stole my collar! The Cavekeeper is a con man!” at the top of his lungs. Those waiting in line observed him blankly and continued their snail’s march forward. The armed giants did not give chase, but Primeiro continued to run anyway.
Finally, Primeiro reached the tavern. He now had no sheep, no horse, no golden collars, and little left to trade. He ordered a jug of the tavern’s cheapest moonshine and was drunk within half an hour.
Primeiro noticed the other patrons at the tavern were all headed to the Golden Cave, so he tried to warn them: “The Cavekeeper is a liar! He changes the rules after you’ve entered the cave so he can steal your gold! There’s a beast inside the cave that eats your sheep! Don’t go there!”
The other patrons were defiant. They wouldn’t let anyone stop them from reaching EUtopia. Besides, Primeiro seemed like a negative and annoying person, and his story sounded crazy. They grabbed his arms and legs, dragged him outside, and slammed the door. Primeiro, thoroughly intoxicated, slumped down on a crate outside the tavern.
Beside him sat an old, haggard man. “I was once like you,” the grizzled stranger observed.
“The Cavekeeper robbed you too?” Primeiro questioned.
“Aye, though he is much more powerful now,” the stranger replied.
“What can I do now? I have no horse, no flock, no gold – nothing!” Primeiro despaired.
“If you really must enter EUtopia, there is another way.” The stranger leaned toward Primeiro. “A hard way. You go by sea.”
“No gold needed?” Primeiro asked.
“No gold needed,” the man assured.
“Then I will learn to swim,” resolved Primeiro.
THE END
